Letters 2024

14 September

Subject: Regarding Coaches

I wanted to thank Stephen for his supportive letter regarding Tim Walz. I suspect that Ray had good reason to be so anti-coach based on his own background. I also imagine that Coach Walz is a very rare person in his field.

Allan Provost

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14 September

Subject: THE HIGH PRICE OF LOWBROW

There is a lot to hate about popular sports. For instance how overpriced it is to those who love it most. Also the absurdly high salaries that are paid to often uneducated players for their ability to hit or kick a ball. I hate that it promotes violence and many fans seem eager to see a battle royal in hockey or player disputes in other sports, or worse the actual violent riots from losing teams here and abroad. And while I have zero admiration for sports fans, I feel very sorry for their naivete when it comes to betting on games. Years ago there was truth in advertising and you couldn't suggest a bettor would win in a game of chance. No more. Frequent TV ads practically promise jackpots, and show bettors who are jubilant about their unlikely winnings. Sadly spectator sports will thrive as long as there are greedy entrepreneurs who can fill the expensive seats of government-financed stadiums and convince millions of gullible zealots that sports are a worthy pastime made all the better by wearing overpriced logo wear.

Allan Provost

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31 August 2024

Subject: Regarding Tim Walz

I read Ray's letter about the prospective Vice President Tim Walz with interest, and Allan's reply with even more interest.

Ray tars Senator Walz with the same brush as other sports coaches and PE teachers, as sadists. Yes, we all have our stories to tell about such vermin.

But I have to say that I agree with Allan. We can't dismiss all coaches like that, any more than we can dismiss all sports fans. There are some perfectly decent types among those subhumans.

The evidence that Allan presents would indeed suggest that T Walz is a decent and considerate fellow who understood that some kids were not good at sports and disliked them, and he probably treated them without disdain. If I lived in America and had a vote, it would be his and Ms Harris's policies that would sway me, rather than the fact that he taught children how to kick a ball.

And for heaven's sake, Ray, are you going to vote for that other man, the rapist?

Stephen

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28 August 2024

Subject: Interesting article

Ray, Among the e-mails I get is a daily update from the New Oxford Review. One of the features is called "From the Archives" featuring reprints of past articles. Today's offering was this:

Is Football Past Its Prime? | New Oxford Review

Should you be (understandably) reluctant to click on an unverified link, this appeared in the December 2017 issue. The author is Casey Chalk. Lots of good stuff here! Shouldn't be too hard to track down on their website. Greetings to all, and keep up the good work.

Frank

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22 August 2024

Subject: We Love Tim Walz!

Dear Ray,

I agree with you that gym teachers are often bullies and pseudo macho sports nuts, but I think we have enough evidence that Tim Walz is a beloved and respected coach who always treated his students with kindness and respect. The very fact that he headed up the gay coalition at his school shows he is not a sexual bigot.

Allan

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22 August 2024

Subject: Don't Elect Tim Walz!

Dear team members,

As many of you are aware, it's an election year here in the United States. And the Democratic Party nominee for Vice-president is a fellow named Tim Walz. I think many people are unaware of Mr Walz's checkered past and how it makes him unfit for office.

I take no pleasure in exposing the fact that Mr Walz chose to earn a living as a High School Gym Teacher. As we all know, high school gym teachers are sadists who revel in crushing students' self-esteem and, in their capacity as Health Science teachers, turning education back a hundred years.

I am pleading with my fellow citizens: do not vote for this man! A gym teacher has no honor, no integrity, no consideration for his fellow man or those in his care. A gym teacher is a person who chose to make a career out of bullying children. This is NOT the kind of man we need as vice-president. If you can't vote for the other side, don't vote at all!

Ray

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22 August 2024

Subject: Florida Destroys Wetlands for Sport

This is just part of a much longer letter written by my Miami neighbors in an attempt to prevent the destruction of scenic land in Florida.

"We just read today with horror an article from the Tampa Bay Times. It indicated that the State of Florida is planning to destroy the small amount of beautiful State Parks it has in order to allow the public to play golf, pickle ball, and other sports, thus decimating even more of what is left of areas in Florida where wildlife can roam and be safe and that wildlife lovers can come to experience nature."

Allan Provost

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12 August 2024

Subject: Advertisement Blockers

Congratulate me, my little fruit loops.

I have managed to get through a whole sp*rts-infested summer without watching a single second of the bilge. The Euro, Wimboredom, the Olamepics. Not a solitary second.

Now, I had to be careful not to watch any TV news programmes in order to achieve this state of bliss, but the real godsend is AdBlock.

When I lived in America, my computer screen was littered with banner ads on many of my favourite web sites, screaming at me to gamble, buy chocolate, watch certain TV shows and watch this footbore or basebore match. I don't remember if I had a similar blocker there, but if I did, it wasn't doing its job, was it? Here in the UK, the blocker jolly-well does work.

There are some things that you don't want to see popping up on your computer screen - or your phone - on principle. Porn, cruelty to animals or children, for instance. One of my principles is that I will not watch sp*rts, I will not attend a sp*rts "event" and I will not go anywhere where morons play sp*rts. That bilge was crammed down my throat at school; well, not in adulthood, thank you. So whereas most people are more easy-going and just ignore banner ads telling them to watch one team of prats chase a ball with another team of prats, I do object. I find it insulting.

Well, this summer there have been no ads at all. Believe me when I say that I would like to shake the hand of whoever invented such blockers AND made them free to install on my computer.

Unfortunately, this looks like an ad for that app, doesn't it... Well, if there is more sp*rts bollocks to come, (because the summer ain't over yet), I can be reasonably sure that I won't have to put up with it, because of selective TV viewing and a little unobtrusive blocking app on my computer.

Stephen

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11 August 2024

Subject: Booster (A Play)

Two guys on a bench, each with newspaper. Eddie is singing happily.

SEAN
Boy, Eddie, you sound happy today.

EDDIE
I am. Very happy.

SEAN
How come?

EDDIE (Holding up newspaper)
Because John Anderson just got a two million dollar bonus. It's right here in the business section.

SEAN
Who's he, a friend of yours?

EDDIE
No.

SEAN
A relative?

EDDIE
No. I don't know him.

SEAN
Then why are you so excited?

EDDIE (As if it's obvious)
Because he works at Indicom.

SEAN
So? What about it?

EDDIE
What about it? That's the biggest company around and one of the largest cable broadcasters in the world.

SEAN
Yeah?

EDDIE (Enthusiastic)
And it's right here in our city. Doesn't it fill you with pride?

SEAN (Perplexed)
No. I watch some of their programming. But I don't work at Indicom and neither do you.

EDDIE
But it's in our city. It's one of our companies. He's one of our people.

SEAN
Our people? Oh, so this Anderson guy is some kind of local boy who made good?

EDDIE
No. They got him from L.A. I don't think any of their top people are from here.

SEAN
Well, if you don't know him. And you didn't have anything to do with his success. Then why are you so thrilled that he got a huge bonus?

EDDIE (As if talking to a child)
Because he works for Indicom. It means we're having a fabulous year. We have six new shows in the top ten.

SEAN
What do you mean "we". I don't work there. And neither do you. (Suddenly getting it) Oh, I see, you mean you have shares in the company?

EDDIE
Are you kidding? I can't afford to buy their stock. I can't even afford their programming.

SEAN
So, let me get this straight. You feel an incredible sense of pride because a guy you don't know got a bonus for more money than you make in ten years working for a premium cable channel that you can't afford run by executives who aren't from around here and in which you have no financial interest?

EDDIE
Yeah. Doesn't that kind of local success make you feel great? Like a winner?

SEAN (Getting annoyed)
No. Why should it? First of all this guy's from California and I don't know him from Adam. Second even though Indicom charges huge cable fees to watch their shows, they still bombard you with commercials.

EDDIE
But they're the leading cable channel.

SEAN
So what? Their success doesn't do a damned thing for me. And frankly I think it's kind of weird that you're so excited about a bunch of what are essentially total strangers making a fortune just because they happen to be in your town when they could do the same thing anywhere.

EDDIE (Offended)
I don't always feel excited. Last year they didn't have a winning season. Some of their shows didn't do well in the ratings. I found that kind of depressing.

SEAN
You were depressed because they didn't do well? (Incredulous) I'm sorry. That kind of thinking is so stupid, so bizarre. I mean that's nuts!

EDDIE (Wanting to end the argument)
Hey, fine. You don't have to be so touchy. Forget I mentioned it. Let's discuss something else.

They both continue to read the paper.

SEAN
Hey, look at that!. We won again. Boy, we really played a fabulous game last night. How about that new guy from Sri Lanka. They're paying him 32 million a year.

EDDIE
And he's worth every dollar.

SEAN
I'll say he is. It's great that we're having a winning season. Now there's the kind of thing that fills us all with pride.

They put down their papers and high-five each other.

CURTAIN

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11 August 2024

Subject: FORE!

To those who hate sports like me, probably the most comical is golf. It's an elitist occupation among mostly well-off players who don't have to be in good shape or have any sense of style. Many golfers are referred to as athletes which is as much a misnomer as golf being called a sport, since very little muscle, sinew, or athleticism is involved. Minutes ago, I saw a commercial for a new golf club. I don't recall the name, but it cost $200. For that price, it promises to greatly improve your game, which knocks the athlete title down a few notches. Isn't a club that improves your game a little like taking steroids? On the other hand, maybe we could take a lesson from golf. After hitting a home run, maybe the batter could jump into a golf cart and ride around the bases. And instead of baseball uniforms the players could wear their choice of garish shirts, shorts, and golf shoes. There are lots of reasons to dislike golf, one of the best is what a waste of beautiful rustic scenery.

Allan Provost

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11 August 2024

Subject: Thank goodness the Olympics are almost over

Thank goodness the Olympics are almost over. I find it really annoying that the evening news spends so much time yapping about medal winners when children are dying in the Middle East, when the plane crash in Brazil gets less coverage than break dancing in Paris, when professional adult newscasters get giddy about someone winning a bronze something or other when they don't even know the difference between a podium and a lectern.

What do I hate about sports the most? I hate the competition, the "we won" arrogance, and worse, the "you lost" conceit. I hate that so many poorly educated persons are paid a fortune for a knack rather than a talent. I hate the elitism, that the wealthy can jet to Paris while the middle class root back home seeing this meaningless spectacle along with hundreds of repetitious commercials, that the winning athletes get as celebratory as if they had cured cancer. I hate knowing about the past corruption of the Olympics committee, and the future plans for an L.A. Olympics in four short years. And I hate knowing anything about the damned Olympics only because every trivial fact is shoved down my throat when I'm trying to learn more about the real world situation.

A

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29 July 2024

Subject: The Unrecognized

All over America there are talented artists, musicians, composers, singers, dancers, actors, comedians, outstanding young people in every creative and scientific field. But they will never be nationally recognized, showered with praise, had their photos on cereal boxes, make headlines, have thousands of fans, or be given huge amounts of money. No, those benefits are reserved for men and women who can kick a ball, sink a basket, run fast, jump high, skate, swim, golf, mountain bike, and perform dozens of physical acts that don't take brains but brawn, don't take talent but practice. Pity there are no Olympics for young people of real talent. There are no all-expense paid trips to Paris for a young person to conduct his symphony, display her amazing balletic grace, or introduce their ground-breaking inventions. Why do I hate sports? Because they suffocate all the real achievements in the world.

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11 July 2024

Subject: Ignorance is Bliss

My local pub posts invitations on Facebook, to watch something called Euro. From the tone of the latest ad, I gather that the last of the matches is happening this weekend. If they want to repel the more discerning of us, this is the way to do it. I imagine the place will be packed to the gills with sweating, braying neanderthals glued to the several TV screens.

As usual, I have seen not one solitary second of the entire snore-fest, either in public or at home. These "events" have come and gone and I have been oblivious, reading, watching musical instrument-related YouTube videos, and making music of my own, as I do every other day of the year, whether or not sports are happening. Sports are for other people.

I have isolated myself from such drivel so effectively that I can only assume that the Olamepics are also imminent. I have not seen anything in the media about them. I can only assume that fans of this pointless piffle are getting excited about it. Or has it been cancelled? I wouldn't know. I live alone, I watch what I like and if it happens or doesn't happen, I'll be as oblivious as I have been to the Euro thingummy.

Similarly, is the annual Wimboredom tennis snooze-o-rama still on, or did the final come and go? I love the fact that I do not know. More of us ought to be able to boast that we have watched none of it and know nothing about it. Of course, this is not always practical. I live alone so there's nobody in my home watching the sewage. I am retired so I am not enduring the sports prattle of colleagues. I don't associate with a group of guys who would discuss it ad nauseam.

This is a little victory: one man ignoring all the media hoop-la. But sticking it to the man means a lot. I only pray that there are many of us out there, deliberately ignoring the media propaganda. There are millions of people watching the euro, but millions of us who are not. The promotional johnnies wave at us, they shout at us, "Watch this!", but we are doing something less f***ing stupid.

Stephen

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29 June 2024

Subject: The Heidi Award

Nothing may come of this, but it amuses me and may amuse many other subscribers to your site. As non-sports fans we are subject to all kinds of cancelled programs in favor of some sports show. Here in Miami, Jeopardy has been cancelled several times in favor of the Panthers pursuit of the ugliest trophy in sports history. The Stanley Cup. And tomorrow we will probably have other cancellations in favor of the parade in which a million fans will scream and holler as if playing a kid's ice-skating game is some kind of heroism.

The only time we non-sports fans got the last laugh was on November 17, 1968 when the Jets were up by 3 with 65 seconds left and NBC switched away from the game to its scheduled program of Heidi. Needless to say the fans were furious that they never saw the Rangers emerge victorious. I think there should be an annual rewards show by "I Hate Sports" fans in which we present The Heidi Award for the most unsportsmanlike, over-the-top behavior by an American sports team, with of course follow-up awards.

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18 June 2024

Subject: ANOTHER WHO CARES? NIGHT

This is a particularly irritating week in Miami as far as sports are concerned. The idiotic Panther hockey fans are manic about winning the ugliest trophy in sports history, the Stanley Cup. The local news can think of nothing else and has preempted Jeopardy in order to obsess over the win that will make their lives worth living which may not even happen. If it does, idiots will be honking horns for hours. If it doesn't most if this sports-crazy city will be in deep depression.

Earlier the over-coverage of golf showed one player miss his putt by such a large margin one wonders how he qualifies as a golf pro. (Why do they refer to them as athletes when they don't even break a sweat?) In the meantime the madness continues In Boston. The local news was interrupted to give us the earth-shaking report that the Celtics (is that what they're called) won another season. Yippee. When you are not a sports fans it seems like an insanity for mobs to get excited over a kid's game that most of them can't afford a ticket to attend. Yuck. Tomorrow at least three yahoos will ask me, "Hey did you catch the game" if the Panthers won, and remain silent - thank goodness - if they lost.

Secretary@sportssuck.org

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20 April 2024

Subject: Running of the Bulls

RUNNING OF THE BULLS: A Play

Allan Provost

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17 April 2024

Subject: The Euros

Good afternoon.

Anyone in England should be forewarned that a month of tedious football awaits us in June as the Euros take place. Once again, that tedious dirge of a song Three Lions will be played by every pop music radio station and people will be forced to get behind England by the media and football obsessed bores. Luckily this month of boredom and forced patriotism happens to occur in summer, and like the last tournament, if the weather is nice, it's a good excuse to go for a long walk or drive.

Another worrying thing is the Euros happen to be taking place in Germany, which even though World War Two ended 79 years ago, some mindless fans still think the war is on and will take great delight in trashing German bars and shopping centres. I was in Germany a month after the country last hosted this tournament in 1988, where our so called fans had caused mayhem, and had to tell a few Germans I had no interest in football and wasn't a hooligan. No doubt innocent English tourists will have to apologise due to these morons again and I'm glad Germany isn't on my bucket list this year.

Anyway, non fans, keep the faith, walk the dog, have a drive in the country, avoid the fans and enjoy the sunshine in June.

AN ENGLISHMAN.

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8 April 2024

Subject: WHO'S THE SISSY NOW

I find it comical that so many sports fans pride themselves on being so manly, such rugged, loud, beer guzzling, would-be athletes, who gather with their good buddies to watch game after repetitive game. And what do they do when their teams win? Shake hands, hug, get giddy with excitement, and drift into a euphoria of unearned victory. The teams themselves are even worse, leaping in the air, dancing, group hugs, endless compliments, and lots of butt patting. Even their girlfriends never get this level of enthusiasm. And if they lose? A sad, somber, chin up, next time kind of we did our best attitude. Sorry, I don't get sports.

Allan

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29 March 2024

Subject: Comment from Bill

My good friend Bill had the usual flaw: He was a sports fan. When I expressed my contempt for sports, he took offense. He argued, "A lot of guys haven't achieved much in life and have little to brag about, so sports gives them the kind of excitement and lift they need." My counter argument was, "If they had spent less time watching mindless sports and more time on learning and achieving they wouldn't have that stupid need."

Allan Provost, Miami

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27 March 2024

Subject: Booster

I love your website. I sent an anti-sports poem in the past. Thought your readers would like this short play.

Allan

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25 February 2024

Subject: Boycott the olamepics

Here we are, my little rosebuds, 2024 and the olamepic games are on the horizon: several weeks of overblown piffle. Our favourite Internet sites will be clogged with ads and propaganda demanding that we watch the nonsense, and we'll be unable to watch the news on TV without it all being thrust into our faces. As if it has any importance, just like any other sport.

We must stand firm. The sport media want to be able to claim that a huge percentage of homes all over the world are watching the olamepics. In fact they are desperate to justify their vain existence so perhaps they even lie about viewing figures? Anyway, for those of us who despise sports, the important thing ought to be that the sports media will NOT be counting our homes. They will jump up and down and wave their little hands at us, "Coo-ee, watch this, it's great, no really," but we will watch another channel, or perhaps a DVD. It warmed the cockles of my heart to see all the empty seats in 2020 (because of lockdown). It would satisfy me greatly to hear that viewers stayed away in droves from these olamepics, also.

Together, we can make a difference, we can shove a pole between their spokes, we can leave them with egg on their faces. Boycott the olamepics; you know it makes sense.

Stephen

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6 February 2024

Subject: Next week

Less than a week until "THE BIG GAME". Has everybody picked out a good movie yet?

Frank